If you see fewer posts. . .

it's because I don't post much anymore. This may change at any time. But PLEASE feel free to look through our Flickr stream (over on the right), which is updated almost every day.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Yorkie

I wrote this letter a few months ago after a Veterinarian told us that due to some of Yorkie's behavioral and medical issues, that the best course of action might be to put her to sleep. After medical treatment, she got better. Recently, however, Yorkie developed a very large tumor that unknown to us, was growing very fast. She was not able to eat for the past week, and she was laying around sleeping and looking very depressed. Today after a trip to the emergency veterinary clinic resulted in the finding of a large tumor, and the diagnosis that many of her internal organs were shutting down, Sandy and I made the decision to have Yorkie put to sleep. I brought the children in to see her. After we left, Sandy held her while the doctors administered the medicine that ended her life. Yorkie will be buried at our home.

We love and will miss her very much. She will always be our baby.



Yorkie with Sandy and the children at the Emergency Vet clinic where she was put to sleep.

Dear Yorkie,

I love you very much.

Throughout your life, Sandy has been your primary care provider. I have always felt that you preferred her to me. I know that I have a louder voice and I have spanked you quite a few times. I never spanked you because I hated you, only because I did not approve of some specific behavior. For each time that I spanked you, I sincerely apologize.

We have taken many trips together as a family. Since moving to Rochester when you about three, we have taken you for many trips back there, and watched you swim in Lake Superior. We used to take you wherever we went, to town, to the grocery store, everywhere. Almost every time, you would sit on Sandy's lap, even while we drove. Though we sometimes chastised you for this behavior, we loved you for it, too.

Ever since our children were born, we have had less time to care for you, but it is not their fault. As you know, we have three children in our house now. Their names are Annika, Owen, and Alex, and they all love you very much. Annika is very smart and likes to draw and she loves animals very much. Owen is smart too, and he likes to play a lot. He has a good future in front of him, and I imagine that he will get a dog when he is older. Alex is is very intelligent, but also very temperamental. He likes things to be just right, and a lot of the time he plays quietly by himself. Recently I realized that his behavioral issues might stem from the fact that I always seem to be either ignoring him, or chastising him. I need to change how I interact with him and spend more one on one time with him to let him know that I truly love him.

To be perfectly honest with you, I am not a very good person. I make plans and don't follow up on them. I let Sandy do a lot of the work around the house, and I don't play with you enough. If we had one more kid we would find lots of time to spend with them, but for some reason, we have not been able to find that same kind of time to spend with you. I think that your peeing in the house this year was a way of trying to get attention from us. And you got the attention, but it was negative attention. We get mad at your for it. But it is not your fault. It is our fault. And I am sorry for the hurt that I have caused you by my own negligence. At night when I climb into bed I usually pick you up and put you on the floor. That's not fair. I should hold you and cuddle you until you fall asleep in my arms.

I don't know what to do with this letter. I could read it to you, but you won't understand it. I could put it on my blog, which is kind of like my diary, but it's really not anyone's business but ours. I think instead I will keep this letter and give it to Annika, Alex, and Owen when they are older. They are too young to understand this now.

Sandy and I have decided that your quality of life is poor, and the only resolution we can see is to have you put to sleep. Being put to sleep is like falling asleep. You will be given a shot, and you will fall asleep. You will not be in any pain, and you will not wake up. What will happen to you? What will you think about? Sometimes when you are asleep I hear you yipping, and I see you kicking your legs. I think that you are dreaming, as I dream. I do not know if you will dream after you fall asleep for the last time.

When I was young, I was taught to believe that a boy who grew up a long time ago did something special so that when I fell asleep for the last time, I would go to a special place called Heaven. I used to believe that when pets that I loved went to sleep for the last time, that they would go to heaven as well. As I have grown older, I have found myself sometimes doubting that this story is true. Maybe when we fall asleep for the last time, nothing happens. Maybe we just cease to be. If that is the case, then you will not dream when you fall asleep. And when I die I will not dream either. I hope that is not true, because as soon you fall asleep for the last time, we will want nothing more than to hold you and play with you and love you, forever.

Love,

Kurt

Sandy has a beautifully written blog entry about Yorkie as well.

1 comments:

Heather 12/25/2007 08:49:00 PM  

Oh Kurt, I'm sorry. That is a beautiful letter you wrote for Yorkie.